About me…… Where do I start!!!! I am a 37 year old trying to figure out where I fit in this world seeing as we like to categorised people and stereotype people. So first and foremost I would like to say I am a human being. I believe that first and foremost we are all human beings and equal in every sense. I am a woman who identifies herself as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and that abuse was inflicted upon me by both men and women and so I go against the legal definition of rape because my experience is women can and do rape. As a result of my abuse I suffer with a dissociative disorder, its so much a disorder its actually saved my life! So thats the crap out the way, we can come back to the crap later. I am more than my abuse……..
I am a great fan of walking and use this to cope with my mental health issues. I have recently completed the tour mont blanc trek walking over 120 miles on my so called holiday. This holiday taught me a lot about myself which I will share as a post on here. I have also walked the whole of the Jurassic coast, the isle of wight coast path, Guernsey and the channel island paths. I have walked in the dolomites which gave me my first taste at mountain walking where I found I love the adrenaline rush of challenging walks. I love the sense of achievement when I finally climb the mountain that at times felt impossible. Thats what I call life!!! My walking gives me a sense of freedom where I am away from daily stressors both internally and externally. I go on these holidays on my own and so it gives me a chance to be away from friends who I love dearly but that can also be a pain in the arse. I usually get away during the times of the year made worse because of “the crap”. This allows me to take some control and make new associations with what would usually be a bad time. I now have some good memories made of some what use to be crap anniversaries etc.
I am also a fan of the gym. Over the years I have lost over four stone. I may have a constant battle with my weight but I am proud to be what I call fat and fit. I regular take part in combat classes where I imagine I am knocking every colour of the rainbow out of those who have caused the crap in my life. I get a real buzz and high feeling after this class. I love my attack class as you have an hour where you just don’t stop and its the very class where I prove fat people can be fit as I can keep up very well with those walking skeletons. My spinning classes are not worth thinking about until the end. At the end of these classes I can reflect on the fact that I have just spent an hour pedalling like fuck to get no where, I am dripping in sweat but I am where I was an hour ago with a sore ass for achievement. So no I don’t attend these classes often. I am planning on getting back in to my yoga as placing my self in contorted positions and breathing my way through the discomfort has a funny way of actually relaxing me. If it doesn’t relax me it puts my back out giving me a some what deserved break. The gym to me is a stress reliever and even though I sometimes have to drag myself there I always feel better for going.
I enjoy meeting up with friends for a meal out and a catch up. I am not one to live in peoples pockets and so I am quite happy much of the time with my own company. So when I do meet up with friends the time is well spent. Similarly I enjoy going to the cinema with my friends, you have the opportunity to enjoy another persons company without having to interact with them at all. The cinema can be used as a distraction to the crap as it gives you the opportunity to escape from the reality of your life for a couple of hours.
I have always been lucky enough to have a fur family and am the proud mother to two lovely labradors who drive me up the wall but I love none the less. They give me a reason to live and reason to get up in the morning, or afternoon depending on how much my crap is affecting me.
I have this year found a passion for fund-raising and have raised over £7000 for my local rape crisis centre. They have been a life line to me when I have dealt with some of my crap. Giving something back has meant a lot. I have been at my happiest when I have hit a new target and I have felt very proud of myself, something I don’t often do.
So now the reason for this blog.
I feel I need a outlet away from my everyday friends to talk about my crap and the impact it has had upon my life. To share the highs and the lows of surviving and living a life that has in so many ways been affected by my abuse. I would like to raise awareness around abuse and especially around the fact that women can and do abuse. I will share my poetry that has over the years given me an outlet when I have found it to difficult to talk. I hope together the blog we provide an opportunity to laugh and cry with my followers. I have a very dry sense of humour which I hope don’t bore you to much.